


Within the Waves and Dunes

by Miku



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Reincarnation, Teacher-Student Relationship, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 04:58:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15574302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miku/pseuds/Miku
Summary: Fifteen years after having lost his teenage lover Eren Jaeger, teacher Levi is shocked to see the same boy he knew back then walking into his classroom; unscathed, alive, still an adolescent, and apparently with no recollection of his previous life with Levi.(Written for the Ereri Angst Event! Day 3 (August 5th, 2018), prompt: Goodbye.)





	Within the Waves and Dunes

 

 **!! WARNING !!: READ THE ARCHIVE WARNINGS AND TAGS PLEASE.** Also, if **easily triggered** , please don't waste your time and skip this fic!  
(Nothing of 'shocking' value is described in detail, but there are mentioning of f.e. the death of a parent, etc. Besides this, the story is rather gloomy, depressing of sorts, so keep that in mind. It IS angst, after all)  
If not, and you're going to read this; thank you so much for giving it a shot and I hope you'll enjoy this angsty piece of misery!

 

_~~Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the[love of my life](http://instagram.com/konijnsan) <3~~  
_

* * *

 

 **This fic is written for the Ereri Angst Event.** Specifically for day 3 (August 5th, 2018) with the prompt: _Goodbye_.

* * *

 

 

_'Every second of my life, I only live for you.'  
[[x](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/morrissey/lifeisapigsty.html)] [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTqo2DrMCOw)]_

 

 

**WITHIN THE** **WAVES AND DUNES**

  

 

     “ D o   y o u   b e l i e v e   i n   t h e   t a l e   o f   A d a m   a n d   E v e ? 

     How one is made from the bone of another? 

     That there is someone out there, with your DNA in their marrow, with your memoires in their mind, your blood coursing through their veins as it pumps for a heart that belongs as much to them as it does to you?” 

Levi shakes his head, denying that such beliefs would ever make sense to him. After all, he’s never been a religious man. Nor superficial. 

     “Then how do you explain him being here? 

     Again. After what happened over a decade ago. 

     How, Levi, do you explain him standing right here in front of you with the same scent on his skin, the same smile on his lips? That very smile you thought you’d seen for the last time, fifteen years ago on that dreadful, heart-wrenching summer night. 

     How?” 

Once more the man shakes his head. 

There is no answer to these ridiculous questions. Levi’s mind is as blank as his life has been pale without _him_  in it.   
He does not believe in fate, nor does he possess an ounce of faith in higher beings, let alone does he trust in events happening for a reason. The mere notion that his path has been predestined from birth is laughable at best. 

Hence, he can’t reply. In that very moment Levi can’t do anything but revel in the memory of _him_. The sight of  _him_ , right there in front of his very eyes, with a scent reminiscing heavily of a nostalgia bathed within the touch of melancholy. 

And despite the ache, it  _soothes_. Soothes his every woe. 

* * *

 

     T h e i r   l o v e – s t o r y   i s   c o m p a r a b l e   t o   a   w h i r l w i n d ;   immediate, chaotic and short-lived. Though frankly, it’s left Levi in ruins for a lifetime after. 

With an alcoholic mother and a father who got arrested for drug-use and possession more times than Levi can count on both of his hands, it’s easy to predict the kind of teenager he turned out to be. 

At thirteen, Levi knows no shit. He looks miserable and comically old. His eyes are as tired as his patience is and his clothes are as cheap as his haircut –done by his mother dearest every fifth of the month-.   
The skin wrapped around his frail bones is pale and uneven, the edges of his nostrils always reddened and greasy, lips dry and chapped. His eyebrows, well; one of them nearly invisible to the naked eye, the other one sharper than his father’s tongue when he’s had a taste or two of his mother’s Whiskey. 

With a body as skinny and short as his, Levi never fails to be the laughing stock of any classroom he’s a member of. A classroom full of girls taller than him, fatter and healthier than him, and the hormonal grow-spurting boys seem to tower over Levi no matter if they’re younger than him or not.   
Not only his length but as well the baggy hand-me-down clothes Levi wears only serve to accentuate the lack of muscle and body fat on his frame and it only fuels others to look down on him. 

His personality, on the other hand, is far more venomous than his looks. It is laced with addictions and passions, tainted by indecision and self-deprecation. 

He does not love, he  _obsesses_. He does not self-reflect, he  _projects_. Levi candidly expresses his distaste to those who are not him, regardless of mentioned distaste having been formed and nurtured by only himself. No matter the other’s intentions, Levi makes sure to take out his pain on anyone within his path. 

Levi dislikes his own greedy nature and therefore despises clingy specimens. He hates his dry and inappropriate sense of humor and thus cannot stand anyone whose tongue is as bitter as his when forming tasteless jokes. 

Levi despises himself, so he begrudgingly disapproves of other human beings around him. 

Compared to this, Eren is the perfect kid. 

At thirteen, Eren seems to already have his entire life figured out for him. The boy knows what he wants to be when he grows up, works towards goals that he has plenty of time left for to achieve. 

Never has Levi believed in perfection before. Humans are flawed, either their personalities or noses are ugly. But Eren is  _different_. His personality is kind and warm and selfless. His nose is disgustingly average – _forgettable_ \- but perfect to all superficial beauty standards. 

They’re different from one another. Incredibly so. Eren’s full of life, loves summer, is cherished by his family, tanned skin with freckles dusting the bridge of his nose and his teeth -bared in wide smiles- are pearly white and straight. Attentiveness towards friends, next to high grades in school and a friendly energy surrounding him like an aura, ensure everyone near Eren knows his personality matches his lucky life and physical beauty. 

Oh, his  _beauty_. 

He’s everything Levi’s not. Moreover, he’s all that Levi envies to such an intense degree that it allows him to believe it is disgust rather than jealousy he's feeling towards him. 

Needless to say, he punched Eren in the eye when the latter tried to kiss him after a mere two weeks of talking with each other. And with ‘ _talking with each other_ ’ Levi means Eren babbling about card games while he himself remained quiet; mentally insulting himself for admiring the way he pronounced some words like an illiterate fool. 

In hindsight, perhaps all of that is exactly what drew Levi to him though. Because regardless of Eren not possibly being able to relate to his friend’s life, he still tried.   
Eren does not judge. Does not berate or scoff. He listens, smiles and supports Levi as if he’d been his friend for longer than they’d been alive. 

Within months Levi realizes that Eren is going to be the most important piece in his life. Whether they spend it together or not, Eren will undoubtedly leave an imprint on Levi that’ll burn to the touch for the rest of his miserable life. 

The fact that the shorter boy feels exposed around Eren – _weak_ \- emboldens a strength hidden within. To be able to bare yourself, to not be frightened of being judged... That ‘ _unconditional love_ ’ that Levi should’ve learned about in life by now from at least one of his parents...   
Things like that, well, those aspects in human relationships –whether present or not- shape your outlook on life and your insight of self, dramatically. 

Nevertheless, it takes them an entire year before Eren can kiss Levi without having the latter recoil or shove him off of himself halfway through a make-out session.   
It’s another added year before Levi trusts Eren enough to lay in his cradling arms at night while he sobs over the sudden loss of his mother. In those moments, Eren does not ask him questions, does not tell him ‘ _it’s going to be okay_ ’. He’s just there. For Levi and only Levi.   
In those moments, Eren has no other friends or family of his own because, such as he whispered into Levi’s ear before,  _he’s his priority_. 

To be called one’s priority; the wording is odd. Peculiar.  _Foreign_. 

Despite of the brunet at times being incapable of pronouncing words that consist of more than four syllables correctly, Eren means what he says. Every word that tumbles from his pink mouth has emotion to it, and a breathtaking amount of sincerity.   
It sickened Levi in the past, back when kindness burned him because he’d yet to learn how to handle the heavy weight of genuine love. 

But he did learn. To some degree. Eventually. 

They spent a total of two years and four months of their lives together. Twenty-eight months of incredible realizations and blessings.    
Levi shapes his personality as much as possible after a childhood of mental and physical abuse. For a moment he feels like he’ll get better... Whatever illness has been cursing him for over a decade, it’s being soothed by Eren. Moreover, calmed down by the hope he is presenting towards Levi. 

* * *

 

     T h e i r   k i s s e s   o n   t h e   b e a c h   a r e   s a l t y . 

Having sand stuck between his toes irritates Levi, though Eren’s soft lips make up for it. Besides the gentle press of his mouth, Eren’s chuckles are light, shy almost. 

Despite enjoying the warmth in his stomach from kissing the boy, it cannot distract Levi from the pressure in his bladder which has been fooled into believing it’s filled with the water from the waves he can hear colliding forcefully in the distance. 

Levi doesn’t like the ocean. He’s never been fond of water in general. Besides this, the boy's only experienced uncomfortable emotions whenever watching the sunset bleed onto the beach's dunes; cascading them in a crimson glow. Despite the eeriness to it, the hills serve to hide their entangled, teenage bodies from possible onlookers. 

Yet, Eren, summer-child, treasures all that Levi hates. And Levi cherishes the happiness he can pull out from the boy by sitting back and letting him take the lead; steering them to places and sensations Eren seems so gleeful about. 

Night falls, cascades the beach into a layer of cold whites and blues.  _This_ , Levi enjoys, and though Eren prefers daytime, prefers the warmth of orange sand and pink skies, he stays by Levi’s side as they stumble up the dunes, drunk on cheap wine and teenage love. 

Eren murmurs to Levi that he loves him, like he does every day, and ends up hiding his flushed face behind both hands when the shorter boy feigns agitation at the confession. Trying to embrace Levi –most certainly in order to prevent him from catching a glimpse of his red cheeks- is only stopped by a pale hand pressed against his chest. Levi holds him back, teasing him by telling him to take off his clothes and head to the water while he goes to take a leak. 

     “I’ll join you.” Levi promises. 

Eren scoffs, dislikes Levi’s crude tongue but still ends up laughing when he ruins romantic moments such as this one. And that’s why Levi always does this. Partially because he’ll never quite get used to being as open and bare as Eren is around him, but moreover because the sound of his laugh and the mischievous glint in Eren’s eyes makes his heart skip beats every single time, without fail.   
It’s an addiction... Something that’s always went hand-in-hand with Levi’s obsessive edges. 

The beach is empty, the night dark and the moon full when Levi glances over his shoulder at a butt-naked Eren dipping his toes in the cold waves. The kid squawks, the sound muffled because of the restless sea, before he shakes his foot and tries again. 

And again. 

And again. 

Until Levi can see his butt-cheeks clench as a wave hits him square in the ass because he’s traveled deeper into the water’s surface. His yelp barely reaches Levi’s ears. 

The shorter boy smiles, amused, before looking back away and unzipping his pants. He shakes his head at what he’d just witnessed, amused and awed at how  _typically_  Eren had just acted. Always trying, again and again, never giving up.   
Some call it stubborn –as did Levi himself in the past- but he finds it to lay closer to ‘ _determined_ ’ nowadays. 

The sound of the waves rustles loudly, wind whips Levi’s hair and chills the back of his neck as he dips his head, watching himself stain the sand in front of his feet. In that moment, he feels his heart slow down slightly and he relaxes.   
Be it the cheap wine, relieving himself, or just realizing that he has someone by his side who’ll be there for him every time he runs away from home, every time he gets bad grades or gets bullied at school, every time he loses himself in the pit of self-hatred he’s yet to seal off. Whatever it is on that quiet and gloomy night, Levi feels a tinge of comfort. And it’s unusual. 

It’s not happiness exactly, but a peace of mind. Something so unfamiliar to Levi that it causes his heart to skip a beat and his brain to short-circuit long enough that it almost makes him piss on his own feet. 

Not before turning around, seconds later whilst buckling his belt, would Levi find out that it’d be the last time he’d ever experience such a serene moment in his life. 

* * *

 

     “ I ’ m   n o t   c u t   o u t   f o r   t h i s . ” 

     “You have a way with words, Levi. With kids even. They listen to you.” 

     “Because they’re frightened of me.” 

     “It works.” 

Levi scoffs at the tall, blond man, goes as far as to pull up his nose and glance away with a sour expression on his face.    
Erwin’s office is a mess, unlike his neatly-pressed suit and slicked-back hair. A picture of him standing beside a woman and behind two blond, blue-eyed children is propped on the desk. Momentarily Levi wonders why the frame is facing him rather than Erwin. Is it to show off his family? Who is he trying to convince, and of what? 

Clacking his tongue before he can stop himself, Levi meets the man’s piercing gaze without flinching. 

     "I'm perfectly fine being a stay-at-home alcoholic, thanks.” 

This time Erwin scoffs, though friendlier than Levi had. 

     “You have bills to pay. You’ve been living on spaghetti with ketchup for months.” 

How Erwin is even aware of Levi’s diet for the past four months is a mystery to him and though he could spend the next minutes interrogating his friend, he feels a headache creeping up on him. 

     “I happen to like spaghetti with ketchup.” 

Levi petulantly lies, suppressing a shudder at the memory of living off a meal he only tolerates in order to purchase hard liquor every single day. 

Despite his cold shoulder and childish attitude, Erwin ends up convincing Levi and two weeks later he’s preparing schoolwork for a dozen fifteen-year-olds. 

* * *

 

     S p o t t i n g   _t h a t_    n a m e   m a k e s   L e v i   g r o w   s i c k   t o   h i s   s t o m a c h . 

For a while, as he stares down at the paper in front of him, Levi suspects someone is pulling a prank on him. But who would? No one comes to mind. Not to mention, who did he ever even tell about  _him_? He’d kept that boy to himself for his entire life. 

Regardless, there it is. Black on white. 

     ‘ _Eren Jaeger._ ’ 

His eyes dart around the classroom, gliding over the faces of dull and tired students but not a single one of them resembles  _him_. Swallowing thickly before pronouncing the name out loud, Levi then notes how foreign it feels on his tongue as it hasn’t been shaped in his mouth for over a decade. 

No one replies to Levi role-calling it. Is it even there, on the paper? Is he hallucinating?   
Yes, certainly that has to be it. He’s imagining it. He rereads the words a handful of times, hoping the letters will swap places or fall apart altogether and form a different identity. 

But they do no such thing. The name just looks back at him, mocking, blurred only by the strain Levi’s putting on his retina by staring this intently at a piece of paper. 

For the first week Levi keeps calling out the name every morning in the classroom. And each and every time again no voice calls out back to him, claiming to be Eren Jaeger.   
Saying his name never gets easier. 

* * *

 

     O n   a   s h i t t y   T u e s d a y , writing down overused English phrases for the students to disassemble and rearrange into more unique quotes, it happens. 

While Levi drags chalk over the blackboard lazily, the classroom door opens behind him and he can hear a student stumble inside, the commotion causing fellow teenagers to snigger under their breaths.   
The intruder curses bluntly and walks into a chair which scrapes over the floor; producing such a high shrieking tone that Levi snaps the piece of chalk in his hand in half. 

He glares over his shoulder, ready to scold the youngster who was dumb enough to sleep in until eleven in the fucking morning, but freezes when processing what he’s seeing. 

 _Who_  he’s seeing. 

A young, tanned boy with freckles dusting the bridge of his nose, with bright green eyes and soft chocolate strands of hair cowlicked into a complete mess. With a shirt only half tucked into the waistband of his wrinkled pants and a worn backpack slung over his shoulder.   
He’s bent over a chair –paused in almost tripping over it- when their eyes meet. However, unlike Levi, he doesn’t freeze and instead just stumbles away from the furniture while muttering a ‘ _sorry_ ’ and making his way towards the only empty seat in the back of the classroom. The seat that had been unoccupied for the first week. 

It’s  _him_. 

It’s fucking  ** _him_**! 

The world seems to drop from beneath the man and he has to grab on to the edge of his desk to stay positioned. Levi’s stomach clenches, grows terribly queasy, cold sweat washes over him while his skin burns up. It’s a breathtakingly disgusting sensation, one that he’s only come close to in the past when having drank far more than his body could take after multiple sleepless nights. 

No matter how many times Levi blinks, he is still there, in the back of the room, feverously grabbing books from his backpack, ignoring the teasing whispers from the blond kid next to him. 

Levi, after taking a deep breath, carefully lets go of his desk and rubs his eyes with thumb and index-finger. 

He can’t believe what he's perceiving. Having a kid going by the same name is fucked up enough. But a boy looking just like the Eren he’d known fifteen years ago... He would’ve been thirty by now, just like Levi himself is, if he hadn’t...  

So, it  _can’t_  be him. It can’t! 

Shaking his head, ignoring a female student asking him if he’s okay, Levi flees the classroom in haste, almost tripping over his own feet. 

He needs to get out of here. Wherever  _here_  is. 

* * *

 

     C a l l i n g   i n   s i c k   f o r   t w o   d a y s   s t r a i g h t   is somehow accepted and forgiven by principal Erwin.   
He doesn’t ask questions after Levi’s told him he’d come down with a cold, and when returning to school he does so with heavy feet and heart. 

When entering his classroom, fifteen minutes late, the students are already there. Unlike with most teachers in this school, they’re obedient to Levi and rarely does anyone show up late once they’ve met him and know he’s not someone to shit around with.   
Sure enough, though he’d somehow expected for the kid to have disappeared, when glancing towards the back of the classroom,  _he_  is present. 

Levi’s surprised at this, foolishly having convinced himself in the past few days that he’d been hallucinating.   
He had to be. Eren is no longer on this earth. 

Addressing him as Eren, even in thoughts, feels unnatural to Levi, though he tries his best to go through with it. If only to prove to himself how stupid and ridiculous he’s being for thinking that imposter is Eren. 

This time around, Eren’s not being bothered by the blond boy to his left going by Jean. Rather, his nose is buried in a book, reading while the other kids are babbling and laughing.   
That doesn’t add up, does it? How can he read anything with so much noise surrounding him?   
And when Jean had whispered at him that first time, that must’ve been him just bitching at the kid on the other side of Eren.    
Those students, sniggering whilst Eren had stumbled into Levi’s classroom on that damned Tuesday... Maybe someone had pulled some act behind Levi’s back, surely that’s why... It’s not because of Eren. 

Never Eren.  _He isn’t real_. 

All those times Levi had called out his name, not a single student had looked up to mention the reason as to why the boy was absent for so long.  

Because he doesn’t exist. 

He agrees with this reasoning. Regardless, it doesn’t make it easier for him to face the boy. In fact, he feels rather awkward at the prospect of interacting with his own hallucination. 

* * *

 

     E r w i n   w a s   r i g h t   a b o u t   L e v i   b e i n g   g o o d   w i t h   k i d s .   
They respect him for some unholy reason. He’s blunt and honest, righteous and understanding when necessary. The teenagers listen to Levi when he talks, perhaps because the lessons are kept interesting by the man’s dry remarks and crude vocabulary. They hand in homework on time, perhaps because Levi rarely hands it out in the first place. 

Regardless, teenagers are boisterous, loud and obnoxious in the hallways, mischievous in class, and Eren... Well. 

The Eren Levi’s seeing is not the same one he used to go to school with together over fifteen years ago. He’s far more reserved, quiet and timid. Summer doesn’t resemble him as much anymore and the bags under his eyes remind Levi of his own. 

Levi wonders why he’s perceiving Eren in this light, rather than the one he remembers him as. 

Days crawl by slowly. Levi spends nights staring at the ceiling and his waking hours are spent with him walking on eggshells, afraid to bump into the ghost from his past. Eren ignores him as much as he does him and this likely is the cause for why it takes another week before they finally interact with one another. 

Levi stares shamelessly at Eren who leans over his desk and explains in a soft voice the exercises he doesn’t understand. His long finger taps on the paper in front of the man, pointing out words and sentences and Levi’s gaze lingers on the boy’s digits rather than his homework. They’re the same like in the past... Long and slender, not a single nail crooked, nailbeds pink and healthy. 

For a split-second Levi wants to ask the boy if he broke his thumb on his twelfth birthday like he’d told him back then. Yet, he swallows the question, not wanting to have a conversation with his dementing mind. Why feed the insanity in his skull? 

Then again, why not? 

After all, the imagery is so  _vibrant_. How can he look so real? How can this  _feel_  so real? His voice is identical to the old Eren and the nostalgia this awakens within Levi nearly brings him to tears right there, behind his desk.   
Overwhelmed, Levi can’t stop himself from leaning forward, inhaling and catching a hint of the boy’s scent. 

 _Yeah_... The same... He smells like warmth and soap, bringing him right back to the late 80's. 

Eren freezes, meeting Levi’s gaze wide-eyed. The kid is blushing, furiously, and seems to feel uncomfortable.  

Way to go. Levi freaked out his own imagination. 

     “Sir, did you just...?” 

     “No.”  

Levi’s reply is abrupt, disturbed by how genuinely embarrassed the boy looks. Disturbed by the clear emotions on the child’s young face. Disturbed by how even the crease between his eyebrows curves towards the left, just like  _his_  had. 

Everything just like him. 

 ** _Just like him_**. 

Again, after scooting back his chair and getting up, Levi flees. 

* * *

 

     F o o d   t a s t e s   b l a n d .   S u m m e r   i s   t o o   b r i g h t .   And his nights are terrorized by memories. 

Levi glares over the rim of his cup of tea, watching Eren walk through a sea of students, his head dipped and shoulders hunched. A mere shadow of the social butterfly he used to be in real life. Never does the teenager eat inside of the dining hall, something he used to always do because everyone in school used to be his friend and it wasn’t until Levi and him became closer that Eren started skipping lunch breaks with him. 

Yet, he never got in trouble for it as he was an angel. Levi on the other hand, well... 

Levi gets up abruptly, excusing himself from the teacher table and exiting into the hallway. 

Following Eren isn’t easy. The boy’s long-limbed and in a hurry, Levi –though returning the latter sentiment- possesses little of the lean swiftness the teenager does. Regardless of his short posture, the man manages to keep an eye on the back of Eren’s head as he follows him discreetly. 

Like a creep, he ends up outside, leaning against the school building’s back wall, observing Eren laying on his back in the grass across from the playground.    
There’s plenty of trees to rest under, though the boy’s chosen for the saddest of the bunch, a weeping willow swaying vines in the breeze. Though a sorry vision, there’s plenty of shadow to shade the boy from the biting sun. 

It takes a good fifteen minutes before Levi collects enough courage to face his own demon, and after lighting a cigarette, he saunters over to Eren, crossing the playground slowly. 

Eren’s eyes are closed up until the very moment Levi kicks the boy’s foot with the tip of his dress-shoe. He jolts up, scrambling to push up his weight onto his elbows before looking up and meeting Levi’s unreadable gaze on him. 

He blushes and Levi oddly enough offers him a cigarette as if it’s a reward for having allowed the man to witness those freckled cheeks change in tone. 

To the man’s surprise, Eren takes the cigarette, something the real Eren wouldn’t have done. He didn’t even drink... until Levi came along.   
Being convinced that Eren is a hallucination is the excuse as to why he moves away his lighter when the boy reaches out for it. Instead, the man proceeds to squat down and offers to light his cigarette. Eren, though blushing and appearing rather taken aback, carefully drags from the stick, causing it to smolder before he moves back away. 

Watching him smoke, Levi tries to come up with an appropriate conversational topic to discuss with his own mind’s hallucination. It takes him a few moments... 

     “Are you here to haunt me?” Levi questions the boy suspiciously. 

Eren shifts, blinking up at him with the cigarette held between fingers as he was about to take another drag. 

     “I’m not sure I understand, sir.” Eren uncomfortably says and Levi shrugs, assuming his imagination is not yet aware of being conjured up by someone’s scrambled brain. 

A few seconds pass them by, the willow’s leaves rustling in the wind and birds chirping joyfully around them. It’s eventually Eren who gets up, pats the grass off the back of his jeans and thanks him for the cig before leaving quickly. 

Stood alone at the tree, Levi tries to collects his wits. An irrational fear stabs him in his chest, pestering him with the notion of this being once more the last time he’ll see Eren for the rest of his life.    
The man suppresses the urge to follow Eren, instead watching him enter the school building, head ducked and hands dug deep into pants pockets. He doesn’t look back at his teacher, his stride stiff and shoulders tense. 

It’s an odd sight to behold when remembering the kid used to be carefree and confident, floating through life effortlessly. Moreover, it’s odd to behold Eren trying his best to get away from Levi. 

It tugs at the man...  

* * *

 

     L e v i   d r e a m s   o f   t h e   d u n e s   a   l o t .   Of the boy’s golden skin; hot and soft under his fingertips. Of the sand between their toes and the darkness in Eren’s eyes when he’d kiss him silly. Of the sea swallowing the summer child whole, taking him away from Levi, spitting him back out when his body is bloated and nibbled at by fish. 

Not only do the dreams cause Levi to grow sick to his stomach, but as well morbidly nostalgic.  

Eren attends Levi’s class without fail, despite skipping school often.   
Whenever present, it gives Levi plenty of time to observe him. Elegant wrists, teeth nibbling on a full lower lip, sun-bleached golden hair dusting the nape of his neck.   
It takes a few weeks of taking note of these details in the boy that Levi figures out he’s still attracted to him. The fifteen-year-old inside of him is still dearly in love with Eren from the past, the thirty-year-old man that he’s become shares this sentiment with his younger self. 

Levi, though aware of their age difference, doesn’t see a problem with it. Perhaps because he still does not believe this kid is real.    
He lost Eren when he’d been young himself, he’ll never know what Eren would look like when grown up into a young man, how his personality would’ve evolved from belonging to a harmless child into one befitting a clever and big-hearted man. Eren’s a memory of Levi’s own youth. And his youth loves him dearly to this very day. His present self loves what could’ve been. 

It makes sense. 

That is until he steps into Erwin’s office and sees the man talking to Eren. 

Levi halts in his tracks, freezing as his lungs shut off, his ears ring and his mouth drops. 

 _Erwin_ _is talking to Eren_. They’re  _looking_  at each other, Erwin smiling comfortingly, patting Eren on the shoulder. The boy nods, tiredly, politely thanks his principal. 

     “You see him too?” Levi exclaims loudly and they both look at him, seemingly as surprised as he is. 

     “Levi. He- are you alright? You look a bit paler than usual.” 

Though he remembers to breathe, Levi does so poorly and ends up coughing, hunching over. 

How can this be? Eren is  _real_? He’s fucking real?! 

Glancing up at Eren, shows him he's still standing there. Erwin’s hand remains firmly on the boy’s shoulder as they both stare at Levi in worry.  

Who the hell is this child? An imposter? A cruelly talented prankster? Reincarnation? 

The man pauses at that last though. 

That’s got to be it, right? He’s reincarnated. He died and was reborn fifteen years ago. 

Never has Levi believed in any of those kinds of theories. EVER. He’s the last person to be superstitious. But for this he has no explanation. It could be coincidence... It’d be incredibly astounding, though not impossible. Yet again, if so, then this Eren has absolutely nothing to do with the old one. Then this is just a different kid who happens to look like him and be named the same. This thought saddens him marginally. 

Or, a distant family member, even? Related to the Eren Levi knew, perhaps named after him because he died so tragically and so young.   
Eren’s mother passed away not long after Eren did and unless the kid’s father fooled around with his dead wife’s sister –which he’s pretty sure does not exist- there is no logical explanation for the boy to look exactly like Eren. 

Even if there’d be strong genes in the Jaeger line... it’s incredibly eerie to think this boy either shares blood or a soul with  _Levi’s_  Eren. 

Overwhelmed with finding out this boy is made of flesh and bones and is not a figment of Levi’s imagination, the man exits Erwin’s office without another word. 

That night he drinks his first Whiskey in months. 

* * *

 

     W h e n   p u l l i n g   E r e n   a w a y   b e f o r e   h e   c a n   d e c k   J e a n   i n   t h e   f a c e , Levi notices how the boy flinches at his touch.   
This immediately strikes him as peculiar, for the kid has no problem with participating in playground fist-fights, yet recoils when being pulled away from planting his fist repeatedly in another’s face. 

But the man notices it regardless, and goes as far as to confront him about it when Eren’s in detention after school-hours later that day. 

Eren frowns at Levi asking him why he’d flinched in that moment. He murmurs that it didn’t happen in the first place or, alternatively, he had been so focused on beating the boy he’d mounted, that having been pulled from the fight could’ve possibly caused him to flinch, if subconsciously.   
Observing his every move and listening to every lilt in his voice, Levi easily figures out that Eren’s fearful to talk about this subject and not only is lying, but as well trying to put a stop to the conversation. 

He’s hiding something and naturally Levi wants to know about it. 

Though Levi could easily go through Eren’s files and check up on the rest of his family in order to figure out whether or not this boy’s related to Eren from the past, his heart is weak. His mind has already been made up, deciding on going for the ridiculous fairytale of believing in reincarnation. He’s lost the love of his life at fifteen and he’ll be damned to not grab every excuse in the book in order to hold onto this second chance.  

 _He needs this_. 

He needs this new shot at spending his life with Eren Jaeger. Levi’s been lost in a downward spiral for over a decade and a half now, so he  _needs_  this. Truly. 

With this reasoning in thought, he’s got plenty of excuses to justify his nosiness regarding the boy. It’s his right. They’ve a past together and no matter Eren does not remember, Levi  _does_. 

     “It’s not necessary, please.” Eren whispers, shy, when Levi undoes the bandages around his knuckles. 

     “The nurse already disinfected the wounds. They’re not even big.” 

Levi ignores the boy, instead carries on taking care of the kid’s scraped knuckles as he’d missed Jean’s face a couple of times, punching gravel instead. 

Though it’s bold of Levi to do so, bordering on inappropriate, a braveness seems to linger within Eren after all. No matter his timid ways, Eren finds courage to thank Levi, smiling softly. 

Levi grows warm at the tinge of a lost past. 

* * *

 

     M o n t h s   p a s s   b y   s l o w l y   a n d   t h o u g h   E r e n ’ s   s t i l l   h e s i t a n t   a r o u n d   L e v i ,   they have polite conversations here and there.    
Levi learns about the boy’s family, his parents having different names than before, their looks not resembling those of the boy at all. 

It’s a relief. 

Another contrast to the old Eren are grades. Eren’s doing badly in school this time around. Getting in fights often is also an aspect Levi would’ve never imagined to match Eren’s life before.   
Yet, spotting bruises on the kid’s arms and neck give him more insight as to why they differ so greatly. Ironically enough, this time around Eren’s got more in common with Levi’s younger self than before. A sad prospect. 

     “Do you like the beach?” Levi asks him one evening.  

They end up in the empty school building together at least one evening a week. Though the genuineness behind Eren’s reasoning as to why he should attend detention are questionable at best, he still shows up in Levi’s classroom after hours. 

Rain ticks on the window outside and the lamp on Levi’s desk is soft, casting a glow in the front of the classroom, leaving the rest of the space dark and dull. The man enjoys autumn and so does Eren.   
As it turns out, he no longer adores the summer. 

Hence, Levi’s expecting the answer to his question will not match what he’d expect of Eren to say. 

The young adolescent looks up from the homework in front of him, their eyes meeting over the desk they’re sharing. 

He  _smiles_. 

For the first time since his death, Levi sees Eren’s teeth bared as lips curl up in a gleeful smile. Naturally, the man’s eyes remain glued to Eren’s mouth and the boy quickly presses his lips together, embarrassed for having shown emotion or perhaps self-conscious of his teacher’s gaze.   
Eren coughs behind his hand, more of a nervous scraping of the throat, and scribbles down meaningless words on his homework whilst replying. 

     “I love the beach. I’ve never been there but I want to go... One day.” 

Levi grows tense, if only to swallow down the ache in his chest. 

     “It’s only a few hours by train from here. Even less by car.” The man replies when having regained some self-control. 

Eren shrugs in return, luckily not looking at the man and having missed his near crisis. Biting his lip for a moment, the boy glances up at Levi and holds his eye. 

     “I don’t have money for a ticket. Let alone that my parents would ever let me go there, on my own or not.” 

     “We can go.” Levi blurts, biting his tongue too late when Eren sits up abruptly, staring at his teacher with wide eyes.    
They’re so vibrantly green still. 

     “I mean, we can go, one day, with some of your friends. If you want.” 

Eren smiles and nods immediately, allowing Levi to exhale a breath he’d been holding. 

     “I don’t have friends, but I’d like to go there, Sir. By car then, maybe. I like your car.” 

     “You know my car?” 

Though it wasn’t meant to tease, Eren still ends up blushing furiously, shaking his head. When Levi keeps staring at him, the boy murmurs he should drop the subject. He scribbles on his homework aggressively.   
It’s a contrast to the Eren he’d known when he himself had been a teenager. Their whole dynamic is switched around mostly, with Levi being in charge, Levi being confident –though still fearsome of losing this boy one day after waking up from this dream-. 

     “Sure.” The man simply agrees instead of embarrassing him any further. 

The back of his mind nags at him to remember what had happened last time they’d been at the beach together. And though that was then, a different time, Levi promises himself to never let the kid dip a toe into the ocean without him by his side. 

* * *

 

     E r e n   c o m e s   t o   s c h o o l   w i t h   a   b l a c k   e y e   and a few days later, after Levi’s prodded him about it ruthlessly, he whispers that the perpetrator had been his own father.   
Levi tells him he can visit him at home any time he desires, can even spend days there if necessary, though Eren declines. 

Keeps declining. 

For weeks. 

Months. 

Until finally, winter comes around and it’s too cold for Eren to stay outside during the nights where he runs from home yet again. 

The boy adores Levi’s apartment. He loves watching dumb cartoons on the television. He loves even more to raid Levi’s cabinets. Loves to drink coffee at one in the morning, stay up until four.   
When Eren visits for the first time, he ends up spending the whole weekend at his place. 

It surprises Levi, undoubtedly, though he does not complain and just lets it happen. 

Slowly but surely, the teenager opens up to Levi. Little specks of the old Eren shine through within his timid shell. Levi finds out that Eren still adores fruits and seems to have maintained his fondness for sweet scents and flavors in general. Besides those, Eren still hates math, loves history and is talented at art. 

The dim childhood he’s been given has influenced him greatly, shaped him differently than in his previous life. But within he is still Eren. Still that beautiful boy Levi met over seventeen years ago. 

When Eren talks to Levi about his abusive and neglectful parents, the man’s mind reminds him of how Eren had held him tightly whenever he himself had been going through similar happenings. It’s cruel to see  _him_  suffer this time around, but perhaps this mental torment will allow Eren to live a longer life.   
Perhaps the first time around he’d been  _too_  happy,  _too_  content and at ease. Life had been too easy, too promising. 

After all, Levi’s reached thirty, and he’s been miserable since he can remember. 

* * *

 

     W e l l   a f t e r   s e v e n   i n   t h e   e v e n i n g   E r e n   w a l k s   i n t o   L e v i ’ s   c l a s s r o o m ,   his knock too quiet and quick to give the man any time to decide whether or not to let the visitor enter.   
Regardless, the answer would’ve been yes, because no one but Eren shows up at this hour when the man’s alone at school. 

     “Detention?” Levi asks him, looking up from the papers he’s grading at Eren who seems a little more upbeat than is usually the norm. The boy shakes his head. 

     “I see.” The man murmurs, focusing back on his work while tapping the back of his red pen onto the desk he’s sitting behind. 

     “Are you going through today’s tests?” The boy tries, gingerly walking closer towards him. 

     “Last week’s.” 

Eren awkwardly pauses in silence before resuming his path to round Levi’s desk and coming to a halt next to him. The older man stirs at the proximity, staring at the papers but not seeing anything as his entire being is solely focused on the boy’s smell and the warmth that waves off of him in ripples. 

     “Did you do mine yet?” Eren goes on and when it becomes obvious to Levi that the boy is after something, he resumes grading the tests. 

     “Yes.”  

     “Did I pass?” His tone is impatient and Levi tuts. 

     “Can’t remember.” Levi’s lie is obvious and shameless, making him rather deserving of Eren shoving him in the shoulder as he scoffs. It’s a playful touch, nonetheless it takes the man’s breath away for a split moment. 

It took them almost half a year to get this far... Not unlike the first time. 

     “Hey-uhm, so do you maybe- you don’t need to, of course, I mean, would you like to maybe hang out or something later, like if you have nothing better to do or stuff? Like grab a drink and... stuff.” 

Surprised at his request, Levi sits up and leans back in his chair, eying the boy as he tilts his head back. 

     “Asking out your teacher is highly inappropriate, Eren.” Levi teases gently, swallowing after having spoken his name out loud.   
It’s finally happening, is it not? The boy’s feeling something for Levi... Has to be if he’s asking the man out for a drink. Whether or not it’s because they’ve already had a connection fifteen years ago... Levi doesn’t care greatly tonight.   
Not when seeing the boy blush and scowl at him. 

     “Shut up. It’s just a drink. It’s weekend.” 

As usual, when prodding him enough, Eren becomes a little less shy as agitation and pride take over. 

Levi agrees, of course, how could he deny? 

* * *

 

     “ H o w   o l d   a r e   y o u   n o w ,   E r e n ? ” 

The boy sips from his beer, glances at Levi nervously through the dark haze of cigarette smoke and the dimmed lights of the bar. 

     “Almost sixteen.” 

Levi knows. 

     “Shouldn’t be drinking then.” 

Eren clacks his tongue at the man’s teasing. It’s a sound that originally had been taught to him by no other than Levi himself. Next to harmless skills such as snapping fingers and whistling, Levi had also taught Eren how to throw a good punch back in the past... Something that’s stuck to him in his second life, apparently.   
Recalling those memories are bittersweet; clear and merciless. They cause Levi to ache as well as make him long to grasp into his own skull and pick out those images to cherish them, to relive them over and over. 

To  _touch_  them. 

Catching Eren’s stare over the rim of his glass of Whiskey, makes Levi’s stomach flutter in an intimate fashion for the first time in years. It takes the teenager a long moment before realizing that Levi’s looking right back at him, and in that outstretched fraction, Levi can read the boy’s face like an open book. 

Just like back then. 

He looks exactly the same. The words behind his lips and the gentle soul behind his eyes, so apparent it makes Levi want to grab onto him and shake the memories out onto the floor. To show him. To show Eren what they used to be. 

If only he’d remember. 

If only he’d... 

     “I've missed you.” Levi speaks out before realizing those words have travelled from thoughts onto tongue. Miserable luck is on his side as Eren tilts his head, frowning softly, asking Levi what he’d said. 

Levi shrugs in turn, shakes his head and waves him off, glaring into the crowd on the dancefloor. 

     “You need to speak up if you want a dance with me.” Eren jokes, bold and closer to drunk than sober. Just like back then, alcohol causes his sense of humor to flirt with hormones. Cheeky and carefree... Just like the Eren he’d fallen in love with the first time. 

 _The first time_... 

     “Sure.” Levi interrupts his own thoughts, taking the boy up on his offer and enjoying how Eren's face falls when he reaches out a hand towards him.   
Eren hesitates, instincts surely eager to chicken out. 

The old Eren would grab Levi’s hand and drag him to the dancefloor. The old Eren loves a challenge and would love to embarrass Levi by dancing like a moron around him.  

The new one... Well, Levi isn’t sure. 

     “I was...” Eren starts. 

Yes, of course the boy was joking... He doesn’t need to tell Levi this, he’s rather transparent when drunk. 

Their eyes meet, Levi’s hand still offered between their bodies. Eren’s irises shift, searching the man’s face before he looks away and shakes his head.   
It’s not a way to wordlessly deny the offer, rather Eren seems to scoff at himself for thoughts unknown to Levi before he reaches out towards him. 

He takes his hand. 

* * *

 

     L e v i   t a k e s   E r e n   h o m e   w i t h   h i m   t h a t   n i g h t .   
There’s no shame or rationality left within the man after the shit-ton of alcohol he’s consumed. Though, the lack of a moral compass lays deeper than alcohol could ever touch. Levi’s never quite been a clean man, after all. 

Kissing him feels...  _incredible_. It’s just like he remembers but more loaded, heavier. And better, because the taste, the feeling, even the smell of Eren are details Levi was so certain of he’d never experience ever again.   
He’d parted with this boy fifteen years earlier, he’d parted with the hope of seeing him again not much later after that night. He’d parted, greatly, with the idea he’d ever be himself again; solid and whole. 

Yet, here he is, in his arms; warm and heavy. Eren breathes obnoxiously loud through his nose while their tongues entwine. Nothing about him annoys Levi. He can do nothing wrong, never had and never will. He’s beautiful,  _so_  beautiful it takes the man’s breath away.   
And moreover, he is  _Eren_. Warm and hard. He is  _alive_. 

After a night of raiding Eren’s virginity and keeping it only for himself, Levi wakes up in forgiving sunlight and the kindness that a happy mind offers only on the rarest of occasions. It makes him mellow, lets his guard down and before Levi realizes what he’s doing, he’s asking Eren if he believes in such a thing as reincarnation. 

To his surprise, Eren nods and when Levi proceeds to confess to him he believes the boy is his old lover, the boy hums. Eren smiles, shrugs a little and buries his face into the crook of the man’s neck as they lay in bed. 

     “Who knows... It _does_ feel right, doesn’t it?” 

Levi nods immediately, desperately blinking away the prickling in his eyes, and though Eren doesn’t remember a single aspect of what they used to be, it’s so damn relieving to know he at least believes the man’s confession. 

* * *

 

     E r e n   k e e p s   v i s i t i n g   L e v i .   They keep ending up tangled into the man’s bedsheets as well as each other and within weeks it seems their hearts have grown hearts of their own. 

Levi tells the boy how he lost him and when he cries, Eren holds him. In that moment, Eren does not ask him questions, does not tell him ’ _it’s going to be okay_ ’. He doesn’t doubt him, doesn’t mock him. He’s just there. For Levi and only Levi. 

Eren confesses he’s sorry for not remembering and Levi forgives him. He forgives the boy for leaving him and forgives him for showing back up in his life without remembering what Levi’s been through the first time around. 

They visit the ocean a week later, only after Eren’s promised to Levi to stay away from the water itself. 

They make out between the dunes. 

Their bodies embrace and roll around, catching sand between their toes and eyelashes. Eren smiles and laughs and Levi allows a chuckle to escape from his lips when the boy tries to tickle him, even though it doesn’t quite affect him. A detail not even the old Eren knew.   
He’s always kept that illusion up, if only to amuse the young brunet. 

Levi, countless of times, asks Eren to remember. Begs him to recall, with lips pressed under his jaw. Eren only gulps, apologizes and then goes quiet. 

The noise of the waves colliding is loud around them, drowning out the sound of seagulls squawking above them and wind stroking the grass on dunes around them. In the distance, Levi can hear the laughter of children, though his attention lays where he can feel the boy’s pulse against his lips. 

So warm.  _Alive_. 

     “Please, Eren, just...” 

     “Levi.” The teenager sounds distressed, his fingers squeezing around the man’s arm until it hurts and it forces Levi to pull back, allowing Eren some space to sit up. 

     “I do, Levi, I do.” His voice is shaky, eyes incredibly wide and mouth agape as they stare at each other. 

The wind whips Eren’s soft hair around. In that moment he’s painfully beautiful. Levi’s heart keeps skipping beats as he watches the child’s eyes grow glossy, his young face pulling into a grimaced smile and it feels like goodbye. 

     “I do, Levi. I remember.” 

     “You do?” 

     “Do you, Levi?” 

     “What do you mean? Of course, I do!” 

     “Do you believe in the tale of Adam and Eve? How one is made from the bone of another? That there is someone out there, with your DNA in their marrow, with your memoires in their mind, your blood coursing through their veins as it pumps for a heart that belongs as much to them as it does to you?” 

     “No, I don’t.” 

     “Then how do you explain him being here? Again. After what happened over a decade ago. How, Levi, do you explain him standing right here in front of you with the same scent on his skin, the same smile on his lips? That very smile you thought you’d seen for the last time, fifteen years ago on that dreadful, heart-wrenching summer night. How?” 

Once more the man shakes his head. It hurts.  

Closing his eyes, Levi grabs his hair as the world grows loud and blurry around him. His core rattles, veins tremble and his head pounds and by the time he opens his eyes he’s only met by a white tiled floor. 

When looking up, across from him in a chair is not Eren but a woman who he knows is named Hanji. 

     “You’ve started drinking again, haven’t you?” She asks him, though likely knows the answer.  

Levi shakes his head, lying, folding his fingers together as to hide the trembling of his hands. 

     “We’ve told you countless of times before to not consume alcohol when you’re on those medications. Your hallucinations are only getting worse because of it.” 

     “They’re not! -” Levi pauses, lowering his voice before continuing. 

     “He is not a hallucination. He is not imagined. Eren is  _real_.” 

Hanji writes something down on the paper in her lap before leaning back in her seat. She scrutinizes Levi for a moment. 

     “He used to be real, yes. However, belonging to a time that’s long behind us now, do you not believe the boy deserves to rest?” 

Levi scoffs. 

     “I cannot leave him be until I’m at peace.” 

Hanji hums, nodding with a grim expression on her features. 

     “Exactly, so...” 

     “So?” 

Their eyes meet for a fraction of a second before Levi looks down at his hands resting in his lap. They’re bony, pale, white sleeves nearly matching the skin tone of them. 

     “So, why don’t you let yourself rest? For him.” 

The hint at ending his life lays thickly on top of her spoken words and it makes Levi wonder whether it’s his own thoughts urging him to put an end to these restless years or if his psychiatrist truly did intend to urge him to off himself.   
Is he still talking to her in the first place? 

Whomever told Levi this advice has made their point and it’s fifteen years after having lost Eren that the man visits the ocean one last time, hoping dearly to find the summer-child within the waves and dunes. 

* * *

 

 

_Shoutout to my partner[Alex](http://instagram.com/konijnsan) for brainstorming over this fic in the middle of night with me. And a thank you to [Bean](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mopsieflops) for going over this fic and suggesting some parts that needed improvement! _

 

 _Feel free to follow/friend/contact me:_  
_[Instagram](http://instagram.com/jalribai) _  
_[Facebook](http://facebook.com/jalribai) _  
_[Tumblr](http://jal-ribai.tumblr.com/) _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
